Adult I-Style and Child C-Style: Remember to Slow Down and Calm Down!

For years, I questioned my effectiveness as a mother, especially with my two younger children. If any of you are parents, or have a close relationship with several children from the same family, you will no doubt agree with me that they can be vastly different from each other. And just when you start to figure things out with the eldest, the next children arrive and very little of what you figured out applies and works well with them. However, when I learned to apply this DISC System and discovered what Style each of my children were, it added an amazing amount of understanding and practical application to my parenting.

As we go through the Adult to Child Relationship series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High I-Style Adult with the High C-Style Child.

As a reminder:

• The High I is the “party looking for a place to happen”, fun-loving, outgoing, enthusiastic, very positive person
• The High C – is precise, conscientious, systematic, slower paced, task oriented, likes procedures and details

In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this High I Adult/High C Child combination and shares the:

STRENGTHS: You can learn much from each other, as each of your strengths provide a good balance to the other’s weaknesses. The child can learn not to take things so seriously and to have more fun. And your child can help you think things through in a more analytical way.

STRUGGLES: Your differences can lead to frequent misunderstandings. You love to talk, but sometimes your child needs to have time alone. Also because you are so verbal, you may miss the child’s more indirect way of sharing concerns.

STRATEGIES:

• Listen so you will better understand. Be alert to subtle nuances in what the child says. He uses words sparingly, and every word has meaning.
• Tone down your emotional reactions and your enthusiasm. Be more factual and objective, especially in the midst of conflict.
• Realize that the child’s drive for perfection is as deeply felt as your need for fun. He cannot simply “lighten up” and laugh off mistakes.
• Allow him time alone to be disappointed when his work doesn’t measure up to his standards.
• Don’t rush or push. Allow him time alone to do quality work.
• Be sincere in your praise and appreciation of his work. Tell him what he did well in specific descriptive terms, rather than simply saying, “Great job!” “Terrific!” or “You did a fantastic job.”
• Remember, his worst fear is criticism of his work. Be gentle when correcting.
• Don’t expect him to be a risk-taker. Accept his cautious nature.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

The challenge for me as a High I Parent was to tone down my emotional reactions, as Dr. Boyd suggests, and learn to listen well without pushing or rushing. As I learned from the DISC, High C-Style people are renewed by quiet alone time. After a full day of all the people and noise and activity of school, there was nothing my High C’s needed more than to have their time in their room to decompress and unwind.

To better explain the DISC Styles to children, John Trent wrote a delightful book, The Treasure Tree: Helping Kids Understand Their Personality. Mr. Trent uses the analogy of a lion (High D), an otter (High I), a golden retriever (High S) and a beaver (High C) to demonstrate how these traits are a treasure for the children.

As an added bonus, I also want to recommend another book that added an extra layer of communication and interaction and addresses these issues: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. You will find this book also extremely insightful and helpful.

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High I Adult and a High C Child can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible whether it is as part of a family or in a profession.

QUESTION: Think of a time when you sought to relate with a quiet, reserved, detailed child. What did you find worked well? Or not so well? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.

P.S. If you are interested in finding out the DISC profile for yourself or a family member, just click here for the Resources page of my website to find more information on getting a DISC Assessment – an easy online process that will gain you lots of insight on your personal Styles.