How a High D-Style Adult Can Best Relate With a Tender-Hearted S-Style Teen

As we seek as adults to relate well with teens, whether they are in our family, our church group, or our practice, we can use the DISC System to give us another layer of understanding and strategies.

As we go through the Adult to Teen DISC Series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High D-Style Adult and the High S-Style Teen.

As a reminder:

• The High D-Style is the take charge, must be in control, decisive and authoritative, and gets things done person
• The High S-Style is the dependable, persistent, tender-hearted, cooperative, patient, steady person, a great team player

These two Styles, though, run at VERY different “speeds”. The High D-Style is fast-paced; they usually walk fast, talk fast, think fast and act fast.

The High S-Style, however, is much slower-paced. It takes purposeful awareness and choice for the High D-Style Adult to slow down and take things at this Teen’s pace. This can be very challenging for the D-Style Adult who is used to taking action immediately. But the rewards in relationship are well worth it!

In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, [affiliate link] Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this combination and shares the:

STRENGTHS: You like to lead and this child likes to follow. He will feel secure with you as long as you show controlled, stable behavior.

STRUGGLES: If you come on too strong, this child will easily be intimidated and will take it personally. Also, hard-charging “D” parents often misunderstand the soft-hearted, easygoing “S” child and label him “weak.” This can easily lead to self-esteem problems for the child.

STRATEGIES:

• Do not expect the child to figure out how to accomplish a task. Spell out, step by step, exactly what to do. He wants to please you, so he wants to know how you want something done.
• Watch how you say things. This child is very sensitive and can be easily hurt by spontaneous, off-the-cuff negative comments and anger.
• Do not push him into heated competition.
• Never compare the child to anyone else. This is demotivating for him and can cause him to give up trying.
• Soft-hearted children need to feel close to their parents. To give your child a sense of belonging and acceptance, you must make a special effort to spend time with the child and give plenty of affection.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well…

• Spend time together – slow time, just “being” time, talking time, with no agenda or lecture.

Last week, we talked about how “Rules Without Relationship = Rebellion”.

For the High S-Style Teen, “Rules Without Relationship = Withdrawal.”  This is a tendency for many teens, but especially for the extra-sensitive S-Style Teen. This is often their response mode for any pressure or stress.

So one of the main challenges comes when the High D-Style Adult forgets to choose their words carefully. Their natural curt communication style can come across as insensitive or harsh for the High S-Style Teen’s tender heart. This can easily be heightened by teen hormones as well, or circumstances they have encountered in their day. If you are finding your teen getting quieter and quieter, or choosing to withdraw instead of engage, don’t wait to take positive steps to remedy it. Find (or make) those “Slow Just Being Together” times mentioned above.

Another one of Dr. Boyd’s strategies I highly recommend:

• Communicate clearly what our expectations are – whether as a parent with their teen or a doctor working with a patient.

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High D-Style Adult and a High S-Style Teen can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible as well as some good next steps in those interactions, wherever they may occur.

If you are interested in reading the corresponding blogpost on this D Adult/S CHILD combination, click here:  “Please Remember My Tender Heart and My Slower Pace!”

QUESTION: Have you found ways to gently connect, especially one-on-one with a sensitive teen? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.