High D-Style children have been described as “a tornado looking for a place to happen”. Their drive to control as well as their high energy level influence every day of their lives.
As we go through the Adult to Child Relationship series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High S-Style Adult with the High D-Style Child.
As a reminder:
- The High S is the dependable, persistent, tender-hearted, slow-paced, cooperative, patient, steady person
- The High D is the take charge, must be in control, fast-paced, decisive and authoritative, and gets things done person
In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this High S Adult/High D Child combination and shares the:
STRENGTHS: You have the ability to provide the encouragement on which this child thrives as he seeks to achieve his goals and even leadership.
STRUGGLES: Since the child desires constant control and instant action, he can easily exhaust a parent like you, who wants things to stay calm and peaceful. The biggest problem with this combination comes in the area of discipline. You tend to be too lenient, wanting to avoid conflict, and he knows it. He can easily take advantage of you. You want peace at all costs and the long-term result can be an uncontrollable child.
STRATEGIES:
- The child needs some areas over which he has control. Just make sure you are not controlled by him. And don’t become disheartened when he doesn’t need you for some activity. He likes to do things himself. Don’t take it personally.
- Be firm. Force yourself to take a stand. Make strong statements and establish your authority.
- Be decisive and stick to your decisions. Realize that you will be tested. It’s important that you do not waver.
- Also, understand that being more directive will not be easy for you, but it is necessary.
- Don’t feel like you are a failure because your child is so different from you. He’s the way he is because of his design.
[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]
As I mentioned before, we have two children with lots of D-Style in them. Since my two strongest DISC Styles are the I and the S, this relationship combination was our daily experience. The encouragement and support part of our relationships came a lot easier and more naturally to me. But the challenge was constantly to “hold the line” and follow through on discipline. I sometimes chose “peace at any price” and tried to play the peacemaker in our family, but it was not a wise role for me.
The high energy these children (and my husband) possessed could also be exhausting for me. I especially remember one precious afternoon when I had a dear friend over to visit me and my High D toddler. She was a much older woman who had raised five children. My youngest was in his usual turbo drive mode. As we watched him in action, I asked her, “How am I supposed to keep up with him?!” She replied, “You’re NOT! Just sit and watch and guide.”
Throughout our child-raising years, as we encountered different challenges, I would always pray over them and seek the Lord for the best ways to respond to these challenges. Often, He would lead me to a book that gave us the insight and next steps to try. Some of these books were excellent keys that totally changed our challenges.
With High D-Style children, two books that were top of that list were:
Foster Cline and Jim Fay’s Parenting with Love and Logic and
Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
On the subject of the importance of setting boundaries with High D children, another challenge can come when trying to discern which boundaries to set and where to be more lenient. One of my favorite stories:
I was on the phone with a friend, and the same High D son, now 9 years old, had a friend over to play. Suddenly I heard a loud THUNK! This was immediately followed by my son yelling, “Not to worry, Mom!” Of course, when your son says that, you immediately get off the phone to go see what is going on.
My son and his friend had decided to pull the mattress off his bed, flip it up against the wall (hence the THUNK) and were firing nerf balls off the mattress, watching them fly all over his bedroom.
Okay, this wasn’t technically breaking any house rules, and was pretty creative, so I let them continue with the caveat that they not throw as hard as they possibly could and watch out for lamps and light fixtures. But honestly, I still chuckle at this memory today… when said child is 36 years old with his own sons who find creative things to do with balls.
I hope this gives you an idea of how a High S Adult and a High D Child can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible whether it is as part of a family or in a profession.
QUESTION: Think of a time when you sought to relate with a high energy, must-be-in-control child. What did you find worked well? Or not so well? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.
P.S. If you are interested in finding out the DISC profile for yourself or a family or staff member, please click here for more information. I have a few DISC Assessments left.
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