STOP RIGHT THERE! Are You Even THINKING About Putting Your Little Toe Over That Line?

As we go through the Adult to Child Series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High I Adult and the High D Child.

As a reminder:

• High I – is the “party looking for a place to happen”, fun-loving, outgoing, people-focused, enthusiastic, very positive person
• High D– is the take charge, fast-paced, must be in control, decisive and authoritative, task-focused, gets things done person

One important word of explanation – very few people are only one Style. Fully 60% of the population is a combination of styles. But one Style is usually predominant and the others are secondary.

From his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs [affiliate link], Dr. Boyd shares the Strengths, Struggles and Strategies of “The Interactive Parenting Style and the Determined Child” (note that Dr. Boyd refers to the High I as the “Interactive” Style and the High D as the “Determined” Style):

STRENGTHS: The Interactive parent will delight in the strengths of their “D” children, brag about their accomplishments and share the spotlight in any honors. Both parent and child possess confident, activity-driven outlooks on life and want to look like winners. The “I” parent’s frequent praise for achievement and encouragement is motivating to the “D” child, who desires to be admired.

STRUGGLES: Interactive parents want to be liked by their children and have a tendency to become too permissive. While “D” children need some freedom and choices, they must have well-defined and firmly adhered-to boundaries. If the high “I” parent is not careful, the “D” child will take control of the home.

STRATEGIES:

• Set clearly defined limits and boundaries and stick to them. When rules are broken and lines are crossed, you must follow through with previously determined consequences and discipline.
• Remember: This child tends to take advantage of any inconsistency or lack of follow-through on your part. He is determined to take over whenever possible.
• Do not be afraid of confrontation. Expect it.
• When correcting, be brief and to the point. “D” children do not want or need long-winded explanations. Give him one-word commands and expect him to obey.
• Realize that this child will frequently push you out of your comfort zone and that this may be emotionally draining to you.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

The challenge comes when it is critical to set those boundaries and draw the lines. The High D Child usually cannot wait for the sheer delight to put their toes right up to that line, and usually a smidge over it, hence the title of this blogpost. So in our family, my I-Style was very high and one of my High D children also had a lot of I-Style, so our I’s thoroughly enjoyed each other. But when her High D came out, that was when things got interesting. I wish I would have known Dr. Boyd’s Strategies back then!

I also have to put in a word of warning – Parenting is NOT a Popularity Contest where you are trying to win everyone’s Favorite Parent Award. This is especially hard for the High I adult. It is a serious job that must be done to the best of our ability and often outside our comfort zones and preferences. For the High I parent, this consistency in establishing boundaries is one of those keys.

As I mentioned in my recent blogpost, “Remember – I’m In Charge So Will You Stop Trying to Be In Charge?!” on the High D adult interacting with the High D child, one of the books that helped us completely shift from a detrimental reactive parenting stance to a proactive one was reading and applying the book, Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay [affiliate link]. Amazingly, it worked equally well in my classroom, or with the High School Youth Group at church as it did in our home… invaluable!

One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well… clearly defined limits and boundaries. It was a life-changing experience when I was in a group at church studying Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s book, Boundaries [affiliate link]. It is especially applicable to working with children, whether they are our adult children or still young.

In fact, Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend also wrote an excellent follow-up book called, Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children [affiliate link]. If you want more clear strategies and insights, I strongly recommend both of these Boundaries books.

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High I Adult and a High D Child can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible as well as some good next steps, wherever they may occur.

QUESTION: Have you found yourself having to draw the lines and establish some boundaries with children, only to have them delight in finding ways to step over those lines? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.

P.S. If you are interested in finding out the DISC profile for yourself or a family or staff member, please click here for more information. I have a few DISC Assessments left.