Adult I-Style and Child S-Style: Am I Embarrassing My Child?

I confess – two of my children have to continually remind me of this… because my positive enthusiasm often goes against their quieter nature. In fact, this blogpost may be more important for me to remember than any others I’ve shared so far.

As we go through the DISC Adult to Child Relationship series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High I-Style Adult with the High S-Style Child.

As a reminder:

• The High I is the “party looking for a place to happen”, fun-loving, fast-paced, outgoing, enthusiastic, very positive person
• The High S is the tender-hearted, slower-paced, dependable, persistent, cooperative, patient, steady person

In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this High I (Interactive) Adult/High S (Soft-hearted) Child combination and shares the:

STRENGTHS: Interactive parents will appreciate the easygoing, relaxed nature of the Soft-hearted child. The parent likes to talk; the child enjoys listening. They tend to get along very well together.

STRUGGLES: At the same time, most struggles between “I” parents and “S” children center around differences in pace. The high “I” parent enjoys a fast-paced, exciting lifestyle, and this is exactly what the high “S” wants to avoid. The high “I” likes noise and confusion; the high “S” desires quiet. The high “I” parent thrives on spontaneity, variety and quick changes. The high “S” child is slow to change, enjoys routines and dislikes surprises and unplanned changes.

STRATEGIES:

• Slow down your approach. Let him respond at this own slower pace.
• Allow him time for making decisions.
• Tone down your enthusiasm. Don’t embarrass him by being overly enthusiastic about his achievements in front of others. Provide support and encouragement in private, rather than public ways.
• Be sincere in your praise and appreciation of him.
• Accept his shyness and the fact that he may be slow to warm up to new people and events.
• Whenever possible, give advance warning as to what and how things may change.
• Ask more questions and listen carefully to his answers.
• Ask for his help in getting tasks accomplished. The “S” child loves to feel that his contribution is valued and wanted.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

A challenge we encountered often, since I am the High I Adult… was toning down my enthusiasm, especially in public, and I confess, I didn’t always do a good job of this. So my High S children were easily embarrassed, especially by their High I mom. It was a learning process that I am still challenged with, even now as we are all adults. These lessons are still very applicable.

But this is exactly why I am sharing this weekly series – to grow in our understanding, appreciation and ability to interact between the different DISC Styles in a wise, respectful way.

One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well, and still experience as a benefit, was learning to ask questions, then be quiet and listen for the answers, even if they were slow in coming. And be willing to wait for their best time to talk.

To follow up on interacting with our adult children, I highly recommend Parenting Your Adult Child: How You Can Help Them Achieve Their Full Potential  by Dr. Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman. Also the book, The Power of Praying for your Adult Child by Stormie O’Martian has been extremely beneficial to us. ***I use her Book of Prayers – The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children Book of Prayers each morning in my Quiet Time as I pray for my adult children.

As an added bonus, I also want to recommend another book that added an extra layer of communication and interaction: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. You will find this book also extremely insightful and helpful.

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High I Adult and a High S Child can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible whether it is as part of a family or in a profession.

QUESTION: Have you ever been in a situation where you embarrassed the quiet, tender-hearted child you were with? How did you learn to best handle these interactions? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.

P.S. If you are interested in finding out the DISC profile for yourself or a family member, just click here for the Resources page of my website to find more information on getting a DISC Assessment – an easy online process that will gain you lots of insight on your personal Styles.