Adult D-Style and Child S-Style: Remember to Slow Down!

Imagine this – it’s the “after Supper” time and your child pulls out the Jenga blocks, challenging you to a game. This is a super-slow-paced process and will require an extra measure of patience, especially for this Adult-Child combination.

As we go through the Adult to Child series, the pairing we will discuss this week is the High D-Style Adult with the High S-Style Child.

As a reminder:

• The High D is the take charge, must be in control, decisive and authoritative, and gets things done person
• The High S is the dependable, persistent, tender-hearted, cooperative, patient, steady person

Since the two parents in our family represented these two very different folks, we saw (and still often repeatedly see) these Strengths, Struggles and Strategies play out in our daily life. How we see these dealt with between an Adult and a Child are even more pronounced. Regardless of our season of life, these truths and understanding continue to be relevant and applicable.

From Different Children, Different Needs, Dr. Boyd shares the:

STRENGTHS: You like to lead and this child likes to follow. He will feel secure with you as long as you show controlled, stable behavior.

STRUGGLES: If you come on too strong, this child will easily be intimidated and will take it personally. Also, hard-charging “D” parents often misunderstand the soft-hearted, easygoing “S” child and label him “weak.” This can easily lead to self-esteem problems for the child.

STRATEGIES:

• Do not expect the child to figure out how to accomplish a task. Spell out, step by step, exactly what to do. He wants to please you, so he wants to know how you want something done.
• Watch how you say things. This child is very sensitive and can be easily hurt by spontaneous, off-the-cuff negative comments and anger.
• Do not push him into heated competition.
• Never compare the child to anyone else. This is demotivating for him and can cause him to give up trying.
• Soft-hearted children need to feel close to their parents. To give your child a sense of belonging and acceptance, you must make a special effort to spend time with the child and give plenty of affection.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well was finding ways to give extra one-on-one time and focus to this child.

One of the main challenges comes with the difference of the “speed” of these two temperaments – the High D being fast-paced and the High S being much slower-paced. It takes a purposeful awareness and choice for the High D-Style adult to slow down and take things at the child’s pace. But the rewards are certainly worth it!

In the same vein, it is crucial to also give the High S Child time to think. A High D-Style Adult will be a fast thinker and decision-maker and will need to choose to give grace and lots of patience to allow the High S Child the extra processing they require before making choices and decisions.

My added book recommendation this week is How to Really Love Your Child by Dr. Ross Campbell as well as his excellent book I mentioned last week that he wrote with Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I recommend these for another layer of understanding and tools in our relational toolbox.

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High D Adult and a High S Child can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible.

QUESTION: Have you ever had to purposefully change the pace you are approaching a task or an interaction with a child? What difference did it make to do this? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.

P.S. If you are interested in finding out the DISC profile for yourself or a family member, just click here for the Resources page of my website to find more information on getting a DISC Assessment – an easy online process that will gain you lots of insight on your personal Styles.