How is it Better if I Talk WITH, Instead of Talking TO?

As we focus on great communication, whether in our office or anywhere – there is an important distinction I want to point out. This one adjustment will significantly improve your communication.

Years ago, I was sitting in a movie theatre watching “Bicentennial Man”, a 1999 show starring Robin Williams. He was desperate for conversation with a real person and his friend commented, “Oh, you want someone to talk to.”

“No”, he replied. “I want someone to talk with.”

This struck a sympathizing chord in me, and right in the middle of the theatre, I blurted out, “EXACTLY!!”

Perhaps this was a throwback to when I was growing up. I’m the oldest of four siblings and when we misbehaved, Mom often gave us what she called, “A Good Talking To”.

Quora.com puts it this way: “‘Talking with someone’ implies that a conversation is being shared… an exchange of ideas.”

It is the tennis game analogy (click here to see last week’s blogpost, “How a Conversation Needs to be Like Playing a Game of Tennis”) being “played out” (sorry for the pun). To reiterate that analogy:

1. Person 1 asks a question (serves the ball), then
2. Listens as Person 2 answers it (returns the serve).
3. Person 1 then makes a follow-up comment based on Person 2’s answer (hits the ball back over the net), then
4. Listens as Person 2 responds to their follow-up comment (hits the ball back again).

If someone always keeps the ball on their side of the net by talking constantly without letting the other person get a word in, that is not a pleasant game of tennis… or a true conversation!

Most of us have also experienced the situation where someone has something to say to us… they say it and the conversation is over. They are not interested in our thoughts on it, or our response, or any other give and take.

But when we talk WITH someone… there is a wonderful interplay of thoughts, ideas, responses, or reactions. It is a delightful “game played”!

So as we talk with staff, patients, coworkers, family, or friends, I believe our goal should nearly always be “talking with” and not “talking to“. Even if we do need to give someone a “Good Talking To”, may we still give them the respect of “Talking With”.

QUESTION: Have you ever considered the difference between “talking with” and “talking to“? How might you put this into practice? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.