“Just Me and Mom Talk Time” – one of my favorite activities! And yet it is one of the most challenging things for a fun-loving, fast-paced adult to make time for with a slower-paced teen.
As we go through the Adult to Teen DISC Series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High I-Style Adult and the High S-Style Teen.
As a reminder of the DISC Style Basics:
- The High I is the “party looking for a place to happen”, fun-loving, fast-paced, outgoing, enthusiastic, very positive person
- The High S is the tender-hearted, slower-paced, dependable, persistent, cooperative, patient, steady person
In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, [affiliate link] Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this High I (Interactive) Adult/High S (Soft-hearted) Child combination and shares the:
STRENGTHS: Interactive parents will appreciate the easygoing, relaxed nature of the Soft-hearted child. The parent likes to talk; the child enjoys listening. They tend to get along very well together.
STRUGGLES: At the same time, most struggles between “I” parents and “S” children center around differences in pace. The high “I” parent enjoys a fast-paced, exciting lifestyle, and this is exactly what the high “S” wants to avoid. The high “I” likes noise and confusion; the high “S” desires quiet. The high “I” parent thrives on spontaneity, variety and quick changes. The high “S” child is slow to change, enjoys routines and dislikes surprises and unplanned changes.
STRATEGIES:
- Slow down your approach. Let him respond at this own slower pace.
- Allow him time for making decisions.
- Tone down your enthusiasm. Don’t embarrass him by being overly enthusiastic about his achievements in front of others. Provide support and encouragement in private, rather than public ways.
- Be sincere in your praise and appreciation of him.
- Accept his shyness and the fact that he may be slow to warm up to new people and events.
- Whenever possible, give advance warning as to what and how things may change.
- Ask more questions and listen carefully to his answers.
- Ask for his help in getting tasks accomplished. The “S” child loves to feel that his contribution is valued and wanted.
[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]
One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well was to take things on the Teen’s Schedule – even if it means waiting. Whether it is Talk Time, making decisions, or getting tasks accomplished, it is worth the relationship to slow down and allow the Teen to do these things in their best time.
The challenge comes in that this is contrary to a High I’s instinctive nature to do things quickly, always available for talk and chatter and often makes fast decisions from emotion rather than thinking things through as carefully as the High S Teen prefers to do.
But this is exactly why I am sharing this weekly series – to grow in our understanding, appreciation and ability to interact between the different DISC Styles in a wise, respectful way.
One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well, and still experience as a benefit, was learning to ask questions, then be quiet and listen for the answers, even if they were slow in coming. And be willing to wait for their best time to talk.
As an added bonus, I also want to recommend another book that added an extra layer of communication and interaction: The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. [Affiliate link) You will find this book extremely insightful and helpful.
Also a great book on this subject is: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. [affiliate link]
I hope this gives you an idea of how a High I Adult and a High S Teen can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible as well as some good next steps in those interactions, wherever they may occur.
For my previous blogpost on this Adult/CHILD combination, click here: “Mom, Please! You’re Embarrassing Me AGAIN!”
QUESTION: How have you developed good practices in slowing down enough to listen well to a teen in your life? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.
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