How to Best Relate with a D-Style Teen Who Insists on Being Queen (or King) of their Life

Have you ever thought “things are going really well with my teen” only to have several challenges sprout up overnight that exhaust you just thinking about how to handle them?

As we go through the Adult to Teen DISC Series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High I-Style Adult and the High D-Style Teen. Dr. Boyd refers to the High I as the “Interactive” Style.

As a reminder:

• High I – is the “party looking for a place to happen”, fun-loving, outgoing, people-focused, enthusiastic, very positive person
• High D– is the take charge, fast-paced, must be in control, decisive and authoritative, task-focused, gets things done person

From Different Children, Different Needs [affiliate link], Dr. Boyd shares the Strengths, Struggles and Strategies of “The Interactive Parenting Style and the Determined Child”:

STRENGTHS: The Interactive parent will delight in the strengths of their “D” children, brag about their accomplishments and share the spotlight in any honors. Both parent and child possess confident, activity-driven outlooks on life and want to look like winners. The “I” parent’s frequent praise for achievement and encouragement is motivating to the “D” child, who desires to be admired.

STRUGGLES: Interactive parents want to be liked by their children and have a tendency to become too permissive. While “D” children need some freedom and choices, they must have well-defined and firmly adhered-to boundaries. If the high “I” parent is not careful, the “D” child will take control of the home.

STRATEGIES:

• Set clearly defined limits and boundaries and stick to them. When rules are broken and lines are crossed, you must follow through with previously determined consequences and discipline.
• Remember: This child tends to take advantage of any inconsistency or lack of follow-through on your part. He is determined to take over whenever possible.
• Do not be afraid of confrontation. Expect it.
• When correcting, be brief and to the point. “D” children do not want or need long-winded explanations. Give him one-word commands and expect him to obey.
• Realize that this child will frequently push you out of your comfort zone and that this may be emotionally draining to you.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

To quote Dr. Boyd, the D-Style is the “Determined Child.” This is magnified when the child becomes a teen. The blend of the drive to be in control, the natural maturing process to take on more adult responsibilities and the preparation to “leave the nest” all combine to make a VERY Determined Teen!

I remember how it seemed that we were constantly rehashing curfews, schedules, and responsibilities with our High D-Style Teens who were anxious to spread their wings and fly “under their own control.”

The challenge comes with this High D-Style Teen’s drive to be in charge – of their limits, their curfew, their grades, their activities, their friends. For the fun-loving, non-confrontative High I-Style Adult, it can be easier to choose the Path of Permissiveness than to hold the line that we know is best for our teen. Continually knocking heads can be emotionally exhausting. So look for those opportunities when there are positive emotional connections to discuss the current challenge… one subject at a time.

One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we took to heart was to not be afraid of confrontation or of being “pushed out of our comfort zone”. It helped to expect these challenges, not back down from them and choose to persevere in our role as parents.

As we look at how a High I-Style Adult can respond to a High D-Style Teen’s drive, energy and determination to be in control, a couple of books I highly recommend are:

• “Boundaries with Teens” by Dr. John Townsend
• “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
• [Please note these are both Affiliate Links]

The High D-Style Teen responds especially well to the “Love and Logic” approach – where they are given several options they can agree with, then have control over which option they choose (along with the resulting consequences).

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High I Adult and a High D Teen can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible as well as some good next steps in those interactions, wherever they may occur.

For the blogpost on this Adult/CHILD combination, click here: “STOP RIGHT THERE! Are You Even THINKING About Putting Your Little Toe Over That Line?”

QUESTION: Have you found some strategies that work well with your teen whose drive is to be in control? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.