Remember This Truth: “Rules Without Relationship = Rebellion”

It’s easy to go there… your Teen has pushed all your buttons, repeatedly. They should know how things are done around this house by now. Right?! Maybe… In moments like these, it is so difficult to step back, assess emotions and keep in perspective what is important.

As we go through the DISC Style Adult to Teen Series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High D-Style Adult and the High I-Style Teen.

As a reminder:

• The High D-Style is the take charge, must be in control, decisive and authoritative, and gets things done person
• The High I-Style is the “party looking for a place to happen”, fun-loving, outgoing, enthusiastic, very positive person

In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, [affiliate link] Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this combination and shares the:

STRENGTHS: Both of you are confident and enjoy a fast-paced approach to life. Your child will want to please you so desperately that he will follow (or at least appear to follow) your leadership.

STRUGGLES: Your desire to accomplish goals and get results can easily be frustrated by the “take-life-as-it-comes” attitude of this child. Frequent conflicts may occur when your focus on getting things done clashes with the child’s focus on having fun and being with his friends. Also, the child’s tendency toward disorganization and not completing tasks can cause you to become very angry.

STRATEGIES:

• Realize that this child may never have your focus or your goal orientation, but this doesn’t make him “bad”.
• Make work fun. Do some chores and projects with your child.
• Provide ideas for transforming talk into action. Write down the details of what you expect and keep rules simple and easy to follow.
• Listen enthusiastically to your child’s long stories and tales. This is a skill to be encouraged – he’ll probably end up making a living by using his mouth.
• Give a lot of praise, affection and approval
• Accept the child’s feelings and emotions, as well as insisting on facts.
• Your strength to stand firm and alone under pressure can provide an excellent role model for this child, whose greatest struggle tends to be succumbing to peer pressure.

[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]

One of Dr. Boyd’s strategies that we saw work extremely well:

***Projects to work on together – focus on listening more and talking less and simply enjoying being together and building rapport.

My recommendations:

• Look for ways to be physically present – go to their games, concerts, activities – says a lot about your support of them.
• Remember – hormones are playing havoc with emotions for the teen during these years. Focus on having lots of grace and patience as different and varied emotions flare.
• Do FUN things together – on their list of what is fun…
• Have clear expectations/requirements/agreements of their responsibilities that need to be taken care of before they take off with their friends.
• Give the Gift of Listening without judging or lecturing.

The challenge comes:

When the High D-Style Adult becomes authoritarian – demanding strict obedience without building the relationship or giving time for good communication.

*** “Rules without Relationship = Rebellion”

I hope this gives you an idea of how a High D Adult and a High I Teen can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible as well as some good next steps in those interactions, wherever they may occur.

QUESTION: How have you built positive relationships with teens by listening to them? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.