Here is the situation: you have only a few years left with your teen before they “fly the nest”. You desperately want these years to be full of wonderful memories, close times together, laughter, sharing, caring… but it seems like most of your days with your teen are spent in knocking heads.
For the next few months, I want to share an answer to this dilemma that made an enormous difference for our family. Please know this answer will not completely eliminate any eye-rolling or squaring off with your teen. But I do promise it will give you another deep layer of understanding, as well as practical suggestions and strategies. It is all based on the DISC System.
As Dr. Charles Boyd states in his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs [affiliate link], “outside of God’s Word, the insights I’ve gained through the DISC model are the most important body of information I possess.”
The truths I’ll share from Dr. Boyd’s book are just as applicable to teens as well as children, and they are important enough that I want to deal with each Adult and Teen DISC Style Combination, to share these “Strengths, Struggles, and Strategies” again.
The first combination we will discuss is the High D Adult and the High D Teen. I could write an entire book on this pairing and how invaluable it was for our family to learn about when our children were growing up.
As a reminder from last week’s blogpost on the DISC System Basics:
- D-Style: is the take charge, fast-paced, must be in control, decisive and authoritative, task-focused, “get it done now” person
This is also one of the most “interesting” and challenging Adult/Teen combinations. Since High D-Styles usually have a strong drive to be in charge, when you put two of them together, regardless of their ages, they will both have that overpowering goal. Over years of watching this combination “in action”, I am still amazed at the number of issues they can find to compete for control over.
From Different Children, Different Needs, Dr. Boyd shares the:
Strengths: as long as you both share the same desires and direction, you will experience harmony and you’ll be able to accomplish much as a team. Your mutual goals, admiration and desire to get results can be very positive and affirming.
Struggles:
- Power struggles over control
- Competitive – both want to win every battle at all costs
- Neither will be willing to give up control
Strategies:
- Don’t force issues
- Don’t threaten or give ultimatums
- Balance holding a hard line with allowing the child some areas over which he can have control
- Give the child choices whenever possible – Ex. – “Would you rather do the chore now or as soon as your TV show is over?”
- Do not lecture
- Whenever possible, give one word commands : “Sarah, your room!”
- Discuss areas of greatest disruption with the child – develop working rules and stick to them
- Don’t argue with the child. If you do, they have won the battle because they were able to control your emotions and reactions
[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]
The challenge comes in learning how to apply the Strategies and staying calm enough to do so. Believe me, Screaming Matches do NOT work. And being Heavy Handed backfires. As I heard somewhere years ago: “Rules without Relationship = Rebellion”. This is especially true in the teen years.
This stage is, and should be, a key process of the teen taking more and more responsibility for their life and choices. It also requires much more grace, patience and prayer on the part of the adult as they find the balance between allowing the teen to have more control, yet keeping a watchful eye out for when they need a word of wisdom. This is also “earned through relationship.”
So one of the best strategies is to Pick Your Battles Carefully. What is truly worth knocking heads over? How is the best way to share concerns, yet honor the autonomy process the teen must take towards adulthood?
I hope this gives you an idea of how a High D Adult and a High D Teen can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible.
QUESTION: What have you learned about picking your battles carefully? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.
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