This combination hits home because one of my strongest Styles is the S-Style, and I have a daughter who also has lots of S-Style in her. She is a grown adult now, but there are so many delightful memories with her.
Early in her growing up years, I was trying to find a way to spend one-on-one time with her, my quietest of all my children. Because we both are on the “shorter side”, we instituted “Short Ladies’ Night Out” when just the two of us would go to supper together, or to the park or the zoo or a movie.
As she got older, and went away to college, we graduated to “Short Ladies’ Spring Break in Phoenix”. Such fun!! Now we dream about “Short Ladies’ Trip to Prague and Paris”… we will see… but she is a FABULOUS traveling companion – mostly because of the reasons listed below in the Strengths section.
As we go through the Adult to Child Relationship series, the combination we will discuss this week is the High S-Style Adult with the High S-Style Child.
As a reminder:
- The High S is the dependable, persistent, tender-hearted, slow-paced, cooperative, patient, steady person
In his excellent book, Different Children, Different Needs, Dr. Charles Boyd discusses this High S Adult/High S Child combination and shares the:
STRENGTHS: You have a lot in common and can enjoy being with each other. Both of you appreciate a relaxed, calm, peaceful home atmosphere, and work to keep things that way. You both help each other out. The two of you enjoy “do nothing” times – spending the afternoon watching television, wandering through a shopping mall, or killing time in a boat fishing – without concern for time or telephone.
STRUGGLES: The biggest trouble comes in the area of communication. You both talk indirectly – both will suggest things, but neither will want to make decisions. Also, neither wants to initiate anything that might result in change. If you are too accommodating the child may become too dependent upon you and grow up lacking the ability for independent thinking and doing. Also, since neither of you want to upset the other, hurt feelings can be suppressed. Over time, this unwillingness to bring up unpleasant issues can become a problem.
STRATEGIES:
- Balance doing things for your child with encouraging him to do things for himself.
- Initiate more and be more decisive.
- Realize that some conflict and change is healthy. Life constantly changes, so don’t overprotect your child from this reality.
- Draw out how your child feels and honestly share how you feel. Don’t sweep hurt or negative feelings under the rug, hoping they will go away.
[Excerpt(s) from DIFFERENT CHILDREN, DIFFERENT NEEDS: UNDERSTANDING THE UNIQUE PERSONALITY OF YOUR CHILD by Dr. Charles F. Boyd, copyright © 1994, 2004 by Charles F. Boyd. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.]
The challenge for me was “realizing some conflict and change is necessary”. Both my daughter and I tend to be “peace at any price” people. But over the years, we have learned the importance and the value of being honest with our opinions, feelings and values. As Dr. Boyd states, the challenge is not to “sweep hurt or negative feelings under the rug, hoping they will go away.” As I’ve found out years later, as we continue to have insightful and heartfelt talks, those feelings still need to be addressed.
The other tricky balance between the S-Style Adult and the S-Style Child is knowing when and how to be there to support them, but not overprotect them. For instance, when my daughter had foot surgery as an adult, I traveled to spend several days with her to make sure she had meals to eat and help with recovery. It was a DELIGHTFUL time together that we still talk and laugh about.
But there have been other times when it’s been clear that it is wiser to let her handle things herself, but still communicate my love and prayer support to her, as well as my availability to talk whenever she wants to.
So the book I want to be sure to recommend this week is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. They have so much insight to share!
And again, I also want to recommend another book that added an extra layer of communication and interaction and addresses these issues: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. You will find this book also extremely insightful and helpful.
I hope this gives you an idea of how a High S Adult and a High S Child can interact and some strategies to handle those interactions in the best way possible whether it is as part of a family or in a profession.
QUESTION: Think of a time when you sought to relate with a tender-hearted, gentle child? What did you find worked well? Or not so well? I’d love to hear your thoughts and observations. Please share in the comment section below.
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